Yet another year later....a mosaic

Having not made another post since May 2015, nearly a year later, perhaps it's time to dust the shelves and resume. This is probably going to end up a very lengthy random rant, so my apologies in advance. But I need to speak, and it's time to start.

I have felt an inner strength simmering beneath the surface, a familiar feeling made unfamiliar through many years. Oh, it has bubbled there on occasion over some time, but it is always quelled by inner voices. But that strength is becoming insistent, refusing to be silenced. It actually began a couple of weeks ago, when I found an innocent little pink card (enclosed with my Pink Zebra Sprinkles):

"It's funny how day by day nothing seems to change but when you look back everything is different." ~Anonymous 

Then, more recently, I noticed yet another quote, when I was contemplating various plans yet feeling at a loss how to begin: "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~Anais Nin

Then, today, we reviewed more messages and entries on the Lourdes Hospital Watchdog Facebook page about yet more people harmed. And, to top it off, in my Facebook Memories, a post came up from our other blog, Shawnee Forest Diaries, discussing David's first canoe trip three years ago today: http://shawneeforestdiaries.blogspot.com/2013/05/first-canoe-trip-after-shoulder-surgery.html

Okay, universe, I get it.

It's difficult enough to get one's life back on track trying to recover from any surgery; but after THREE surgeries (two botched and one repair, or four if you also include the first surgery in 2008) finding not only the physical strength to recuperate and recover but the mental capacity to heal is overwhelming. I feel I have been of little help in this regard for my husband; I have certainly had my own issues to deal with, physical and mental, in relation to his trauma and my own from years past. I've been able to deal with very little, which then consists of shutting myself down or crying at really stupid things. Sometimes, things so bad happen that they change you.

This unfortunately has been our reality, like it or not. Shortly before David tore his shoulder for the second time (the first in 2008), we had bought a building where we had recently relocated so that we could finally fully delve into the vintage motorcycle business he had had to delay for various reasons over the years. More on all that later, but by the time we closed the deal on the building in December 2012, he was in a sling again...with a dilapidated building we had counted on him being able to restore and remodel. Life, eh?

Fast forward to today and David has improved dramatically, mostly mentally. Physically, he still faces huge hurdles every day, and constant setbacks due to the damage caused by Hunt. Not only his shoulder was damaged, but his back, and the lingering side effects from the infections and the overdose he survived.

The vintage motorcycle business is slowly but surely getting off the ground, and that massive cavernous building is now home to a pretty darned great man-cave surrounded by mini-workshops so that business can grow and expand. His ingenuity, strength, determination, and perseverance is amazing, to say the least.

And...he has ridden a motorcycle again, something he never thought he would do. That is thanks to the wonderful doctors from Barnes-Jewish Hospital in St. Louis, MO. Without them, particularly Dr. Aaron Mark Chamberlain, any kind of recovery would have been impossible. Our gratitude cannot be expressed in words when David wasn't even sure they could save his arm, or his life, from the infection. He had lost all hope by that August 2013 appointment.

And you can bet he is still taking awesome photographs. His Facebook page, https://www.facebook.com/ShawneeForestDiaries/?fref=ts has helped him through so much where he can post some of the photos he takes.

Yet, as I mentioned, we still hear from people that have also been harmed with unspeakable tragedies, not only by Philip Hunt, but at Lourdes with infections. Most recently a young boy whose family was in Paducah only visiting had to be taken to Lourdes for an emergency. He contracted an infection there and they are now having to confront their whole ordeal back where they live (I don't feel I can share any personal details, suffice it to say they are not close by). We know every second of every day is a horror no one should have to endure.

Every. Single. Second.

Over this time, my heart would go in my throat when we heard these because it was sure to cause yet another setback for us; feeling the anger welling all over again at the injustice of nothing being done about Hunt or Lourdes, and having no voice whatsoever. Days, that turned into years, of dealing with the trauma, still far too fresh in our own memories, and trying to "move on" with our lives.

And it wasn't only that. The thought of innocent people, old and young and everyone in between, being harmed causes us such consternation we would be inconsolable and stunned all over again. Feeling so helpless to assist and so worthless at being a mere ear to listen is disheartening and incapacitating in itself.

Our business, and the building, needed our complete attention or we would go under. Anything beyond existing day-to-day was impossible. And, to be sure, all this also ruins you financially with the hospital bills and associated costs, including physical therapy. With the threat of your own livelihood continually at risk, in addition to dealing with recovery, it all seems insurmountable at times. It's easy to say "pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get on with it" until you actually have to live it. Every aspect of the health care system in the US is an atrocity. It was made undoubtedly worse for David, coming from England and the NHS, where most of these problems wouldn't even have been an issue.

(I also must mention what an abomination the legal and justice systems are here as well, it's not only the health care system we have had to endure...but I can't deal with discussing that today too.)

While David would scream at the situation, I would curl up into a ball, cry and crawl into my shell wishing it for all to be over. At times, David would have to go into a very dark place in his brain, and he wouldn't allow me to go there with him. He didn't want me to see that world of his, the one that his haunted dreams would try to ease without success when he even could sleep. At times neither of us could help the other through.

He has refused any prescriptions for painkillers; this is hardly surprising since they nearly killed him back then. What he accidentally discovered was another remedy: anger. Anger increased his adrenaline which ultimately eased the physical pain. This carried him through some very rough times, but admittedly it is difficult to be around, particularly seeing a loved one in such pain and that helpless feeling washing over you.

Since that pain is constant, it seemed life was in an eternal and constant upheaval. Even the most innocuous things can trigger distress. While knowing the anger isn't even directed *at* you, hearing the words spilling out in desperation eventually causes your own anger, your own resentment at not only the doctor and hospital, but frustration at everyone who hasn't cared one iota what happened, at the entire situation we found ourselves in through no fault of our own.

The mosaic begins to form...

Once lives become a bit more "normal", it is easy to feel reluctant to allow yourselves back into that time, that detrimental period in life that caused so much pain and hurt. We can't think about it without so many horrible memories flooding our minds and there we go, right back into the darkness. One step forward, eight steps back. But change normally doesn't come from comfort, it takes discomfort.

But avoiding won't help. It ultimately doesn't help us, or others. Still searching for solutions and a pathway that will find ears that will listen in order to let all those like us feel they are not alone. That some positive change can happen, somehow. That if we can help even one person what we went through wouldn't just be in vain.

David, over all this time, has also found another avenue of easing pain: being creative. When he has trouble sleeping, which is still often, it's imperative to not sit there and stew over the dark thoughts and feelings. Doing activities such as making music, working on bikes or the building, art, photography, even walking down to the creek to feel surrounded by nature instead of the oppressive helps get him through. I've had to realize at times, too, he just needs to be listened to, with comments unnecessary.

But what has really saved us, time and time again, is this place. This simple, unassuming place where we live, where we finally moved to in late 2011 after dreaming of such a place. A connection to what is important, and it’s nothing that mankind has come up with.

It is so healing here in the woods near the river; it carried us through what is one of the most traumatic occurrences in our lives. Had we not been here, I don’t think either of us would be here to talk about it.

This rural area allows us to realize just how insignificant we are. That is not meant as a negative thing, it's quite the opposite. So unspoiled by mankind, we’re reminded that if we allow it, nature can clear our heads, heal our bodies, mend our tattered souls. It’s one of those things that the most eloquent bard truly can’t explain so I certainly can’t come close…it must be experienced.

This is where writers write, painters paint…an escape to a place off the beaten path that is a rare find in this world. There is only one prerequisite to enjoying it here: allow one’s self to immerse in it. You’re not likely to see another human being, and sometimes that is a good thing.  

I'll close this very long post with this. Another orthopedic surgeon, Ted Jefferson, is soon to go to trial over comments and "terrorist threats" made when he found dirty instruments while about to perform surgery at Baptist Health Hospital (also in Paducah). Disclaimer: "allegedly, of course". Having lived through (and still enduring) what can happen and how it devastates your lives, we can understand where he is coming from if he is trying to prevent an infection to occur in his patient. Isn't caring for the patient the important thing?

Until next time...